Bomb and Sardars
2 sardaron ko 2 bomb mile, 1st Sardar: chal police ko de k aate hain. 2 sardar: agar koi bomb raaste me phat gaya to? 1st sardar: jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha
Sardar and Police
Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi. Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Police: Kyon hasn rahe ho? Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hun.
Doctor And Sardar
Sardar 2 doctor: Mujhe 1 problem hai Dr: Kya? Sardar: Baat karte waqt aadmi dikhai nahi deta Dr: aisa kab hota hai? Sardar: Phone karte waqt
Sardar and Home
Man: Sardar jee aap ko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho? Sardar: AC k paas ja k baith jata hun Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to? Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun
Sardar and prayer
A sardar prays daily for 2 hours, "He Vahe Guru meri lottery lagade." After 11 years Vahe Guru angrily appeared & said,"Khoti de puttar 1 vari ticket to le le"
The real
Ek sardar ki chatri me hole tha, kisine pucha, umbrella me hole kyun? Sardar bola, Oye baarish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega
Sardar and Hitler
Hitler says, "There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary" Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? "Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na"
Sardar and Computer
Sardar: Yaar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k liye. Sales man: Magar computer me inka kya kaam? Sardar: Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai.
Two Sardars
1st sardar: oye agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye? 2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ki banda so hi jaye
Ek sardar rail ki patri per so gaya . Ek aadmi ne kaha kya kar rahe ho? Train aayegi to mar jaoge! Sardar: Mere uper se hawai jahaaz guzar gaya to kuch nahi hua, train kya cheez hai?
Sardar and Practical Exam
In bio practical: Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only? Sardar: I don't know. Examiner: You are failed, what's your name? Sardar: See my legs & tell my name.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Speed
A woman was driving down the highway about 80 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles.
The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room.
Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles.
The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room.
Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
The Dead Cat
A couple trying to break into society, hosted a dinner party.
As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.
The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.
Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.
"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."
As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.
The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.
Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.
"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."
Two Statues
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the giggling of statues, rustling of bushes and snapping of twigs.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure.
But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the giggling of statues, rustling of bushes and snapping of twigs.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure.
But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"
The Hypnotist
It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces. "Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces. "Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
Gifts
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.
"The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.
"The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Some Cool Jokes
Police arrested a drunkard and asked: Where are you going?
Man: I'm going to listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight ?
Man: My wife...
***
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
***
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr : Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr : No, but the thought of long life will never come.
***
What's the biggest pressure for Pak captain when Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 ovrs, with 5 wickets in hand?
Ya Allah! How to speak English in presentation ceremony?
***
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
***
Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.
***
So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure!
***
Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.
***
Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons
***
Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.
***
Man: I'm going to listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight ?
Man: My wife...
***
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
***
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr : Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr : No, but the thought of long life will never come.
***
What's the biggest pressure for Pak captain when Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 ovrs, with 5 wickets in hand?
Ya Allah! How to speak English in presentation ceremony?
***
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
***
Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.
***
So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure!
***
Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.
***
Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons
***
Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.
***
Monday, March 2, 2009
Two Priests
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop-dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father", "Good morning Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning Father", "Good morning Father", and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me?
Take a good look, now close your eyes, add a hat and gown. I'm sister Angela!"
Three-Kick Rule !
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence from where the lawyer shot.
As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him just what the heck he thought he was doin'.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "You just hold on a dadburn minute. This is my property, and thar's no way yur comin' over that thar fence."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Texas Three-Kick' rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Texas Three-Kick Rule'?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, 'till someone gives."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and ambled up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shins, causing him to hop on one foot. His second kick knocked the man right off his feet. With the lawyer flat on his back the farmer's third kick caused him to see stars.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said,
"No way, mister, I give up. You can have the duck!"
Letter from Grandma
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian book store and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
What an exuberant cheer leader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my windowand started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a"sunny beach"...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma
The Blonde Moments !
Q: How does a blond kill a fish? A: She drowns it!
Q: How does a blond kill a bird? A: She throws it off a cliff!
Q: How does a blonde lose five pounds? A: She takes off her make-up.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: Why does a blonde drive a BMW? A: Cuz she can spell it...
Q: How Do You Confuse A Dumd Blond? A: Put Her In A Room Shaped Like A Circle And Say Go Sit In The Corner..
Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins
Q: How is a blonde like a a bottle? A: They're both empty from neck up
Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They are born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard too peel.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find the M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspsense? A: I'll post this answer tomorrow.
Q: Why do blonde wear shoulder pads? A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he preforms brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier....."
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue? A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: How does the blonde car pool work? A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
Q: How do you know that a fax came from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back!
Q. What does a U.F.O and an intellegent blonde have in common? A. You always hear about them... but you never see them!
Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? A: She was trying to make up her mind!
Q. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? A. Who knows? It has never been done!
Q: Why did blonde throw a puppy on a bun & in the microwave? A: She wanted a hotdog.
Q: What did the blonde do when she broke her tuperware? A: Called the plastic surgeon.
Q: What is 500 ft. long and has an IQ of 40? A: A blonde parade!
Q: Why did the blonde smile everytime there was a flash of lightning? A: She though someone was taking her picture.
Q: What's the advantage of marrying a blonde? A: You get to park in the handicapped zone.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up.
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing? A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.
Q: How do you steal the window seat of a blonde going to Paris? A: Tell her the seats that are going to Paris are all in the middle row.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: RUN LIKE HECK...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A: A foursome.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did they stop doing the "Wave" at BYU? A: The blonde were drowning.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks her keys in the car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds? A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a wreck? A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see "20,000 Leagues under the sea? A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with her eyes closed? A: She wanted to see what she looked like sleeping.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: She couldn't figure out which one to write first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: A widow.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to hand her the blow dryer.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves" A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want to fax her resume? A: It was her only copy.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why does NASA hire blondes? A: They are doing research on black holes and empty space.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box space? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they are on the bus they can tell if they are coming home or going to work.
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes? A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why do all blondes have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: (Finger on chin) "Duh, I don't know" (hits forehead) "Oh, I get it!"
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (Goods and Service Tax in Canada) A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The over doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: Why don't blondes eat jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: What's a lightbulb. A2: One. She holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaaaddy!"
Q: Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: The dumb blonde, because there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground off? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: There have been reported sightings of Bigfoot.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear? A: "Thanks for the refill."
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW? A: Divorcee
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor.
Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound and she weighed 125 lbs.
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They get lost.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What is the difference between elvis and smart blondes? A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart? A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager
Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? A: Ariticial intelligence.
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, What?
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
Ohh....you are sick and tired of Blonde Jokes ? Now Read on .......
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Giving away a horse
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.
To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
The Hell
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group.
Now, first question.
"How many of you have played around with little boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Right!" said St. Peter.
"You forty-nine can go down to Hell.
Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group.
Now, first question.
"How many of you have played around with little boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Right!" said St. Peter.
"You forty-nine can go down to Hell.
Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
The Hen
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Dave.
"Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...................
"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed."
Sweet Justice !
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girl friend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?Sweet Justice!!!!!!!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Toilet Encounter
Frank was barely sitting down when he heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you doing?"
He's not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but he don't know what got into him, so he answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just great!"
And the person in the other stall said, "So, what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that?
At this point, Frank was thinking this was too bizarre, so he said, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point he was just trying to get out as fast as he could, when he heard another question, "Can I come over?"
This question was just too weird for Frank, but he figured he could just be polite and end the conversation. He told the person, "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then he heard the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
Glad to be Drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk.
"Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper.
"Let's go.
"Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Pregnant Bride-Adult Joke
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'." "Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Friday, February 27, 2009
Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Poor Guy- Adult Joke
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.
"To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.
"To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Still a Virgin - Adult Joke
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A Really Bad Day !
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Some Rules
Some Rules that NEWTON forgot to mention
Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold
Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold
Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
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I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
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Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice?
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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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Since ! light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
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Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
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One should love animals. They are so tasty.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
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The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.
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Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
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Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
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"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep
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There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning
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"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk
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"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours
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God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
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The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. why learn.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station....what more can I say........ __._,_.___
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I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
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Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice?
..........................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
..........................................................................
Since ! light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
..........................................................................
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
..........................................................................
Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
..........................................................................
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
..........................................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
..........................................................................
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
..........................................................................
The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.
..........................................................................
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
..........................................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
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"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep
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There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning
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"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk
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"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours
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God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
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The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. why learn.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station....what more can I say........ __._,_.___
Definitions
School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise
Letter to Lord Krishna
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
Mom, I want a bike for my birthday. Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to krishna and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write krishna a letter.
Letter 1
Dear krishna,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, So he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear krishna,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and Iwould like A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear krishna,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to krishna either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
Dear Krishna,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to temple. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the temple on the corner.
Little Bobby went into the temple and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the radha. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the temple, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to krishna.
Letter 5
krishna,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR GIRLFRIEND. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!
Economics
TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS* You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.
INDIAN ECONOMICS * You have two cows. You worship them.
PAKISTAN ECONOMICS* You don't have any cows. You claim that the Indian cows belong to you. You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world
AMERICAN ECONOMICS* You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
FRENCH ECONOMICS * You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
GERMAN ECONOMICS * You have two cows. You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
BRITISH ECONOMICS * You have two cows. They are both mad.
ITALIAN ECONOMICS* You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
SWISS ECONOMICS * You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
JAPANESE ECONOMICS* You have two cows. You re-design them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
CHINESE ECONOMICS * You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
RUSSIAN ECONOMICS* You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of Vodka
Desi Dava
Q : Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha ?
A: Adidas.
Q: How do u CUT roads?????
A: By LAUGHING..... Because "Haste haste cut jaye raste".
Q: What will u call a person who is leaving India??
A : Hindustan Leaver.
Q: What will u call a person who leaves India, but doesn't travel much?
A: Hindustan Leaver Limited.
Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, " Pehle date of birth to batao."
Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
Q: What's Ford?
A: Gaadi.
Q: What's Oxford?
A: So simple, Bail Gaadi
Q: Whats difference between a man jumping from 1st floor and a man jumping from 10th floor?
A: Former goes (hit) aaaaaaaaa, the later goes aaaaaaaaa (hit)
Q: Other than being fruits, what is common between an apple and an orange?
A:They both are not a banana !!
A sardarji went to a STD/ISD/PCO SHOP and slapped the operator twice. Guess why ? Because there it was written "Number dial karne se pehele do lagae"
Would You Remarry?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUS BAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "crap"
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUS BAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "crap"
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
You are the Expert!
A Sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like Sardars.
The game warden ordered the Sardar to show his hunting license, and the Sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting license,boy?" The Sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?" The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia hunting' license?" Again the Sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Sardar
"Just where the hell are you from?"
The Sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."
The game warden ordered the Sardar to show his hunting license, and the Sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting license,boy?" The Sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?" The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia hunting' license?" Again the Sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Sardar
"Just where the hell are you from?"
The Sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."
Appointment with Hypnotist
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies:
Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It Worked! The headaches are all gone.'
The husband replies: 'Well, that is wonderful.'
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?' The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into The Bathroom and comes back.
A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
His wife replies:
Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It Worked! The headaches are all gone.'
The husband replies: 'Well, that is wonderful.'
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?' The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into The Bathroom and comes back.
A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
Two Nuns...
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical(SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants..
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL:The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute..
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. Y ou go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me..
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty....
Why I fired my Secretary ?
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quie t bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friendsand co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quie t bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friendsand co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
We did it !
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively Mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their Town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and Asked him sternly, "Where is God?". The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with His mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. 
When his older brother found him In the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble This time, dude. God is missing - and they think
WE did it!"
The Boss
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you`re slow. When your boss takes a long time, he`s thorough.
When you don t do it, you re lazy. When your boss doesn t do it, he s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you re an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he s only human.
When doing something without being told, you re overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that s initiative.
When you take a stand, you re being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you re being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he s being original.
When you please your boss, you re ass creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he s being co-operative.
When you re out of the office, you re wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he is on business.
When you re on a day off sick, you re always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it s because he s overworked.
Any doubts?
A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much.
Recently he proudly told his wife he’d heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.
The wife thought about that a moment, then concluded, "That`s because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands.", to which he looked up and asked, "Come again?"
Toilet Facilities
The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...
"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
"It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."
Kyon chalti hai pawan
Kyon chalti hai pawan, Varying pressure zone formation
Kyon jhoome hai gagan, Because of earth's revolution.
Kyon machalta hai mann, Problems with respiration.
Na tum jaano na hum. But I just gave all the reasons!
Kyon aati hai bahaar, Because of a change in season,
Kyon lutata hai karaar, Suffering from mental tension.
Kyon hota hai pyaar, Because of opposites' attraction.
Na tum jaano na hum. Seems you didn't pay enough attention.
Kyon gum hai har disha, Because you have a poor sense of direction.
Kyon hota hai nasha, Because of drug addiction.
Kyon aata hai mazaa, Brains response to physical sensation.
Na tum jaano na hum. Even after all the explanations?
Chinese Name Confusion
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Re
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Re
Me too
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say," I'm fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is....When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?" instead of "How are you". Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I'm Hilary's husband, ha-ha...."
Then Mori replied "Me too, ha-ha.."
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room...
Advanced Technology
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2,000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1,000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 meters, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5,000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones & wireless communication."
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2,000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1,000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 meters, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5,000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones & wireless communication."
Difficult Questions
DIFFICULT QUESTIONS AND INTELLIGENT ANSWERS!
Not only our technical knowledge helps, but also the presence of mind and the right answer at right time. Even if u don't know the answer for a question just confuse the questioner Question and the Answer given by Candidates oh sorry they are IAS Officers now.
Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would itTake four men to build it? A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! Anelephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)
Q. What looks like half apple ? A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?A : Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented ? A : It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state? A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )
Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or oneReally difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. "What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted in! To reality as his admission depends on the Correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said,
"It's the DAY sir!"
"How" the interviewer asked
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
He was selected for IIM!
"Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the master of presence of mind"
True Horror
True Horror, which took place last month This happened about a month ago near Lonavala.
A guy was driving from Mumbai to Pune and decided not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest town. It's dark and raining. And pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rain is so heavy he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next to him – without thinking the guy opens the door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him – when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming. Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town.
He stumbles into a dhaba, and asks for a drink, and breaks down. Then he starts talking about the horrible experience he's just been through. There is dead silence in the dhaba when he stops talking..........and that's when Santa and Banta Singh walk into the dhaba.
Santa points and says "Look Banta - that's the weird guy who got into our car when we were pushing it."
HA !!!!! HA !!!!! HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sardarji Encyclopaedia
Dear Friends,
Joke sessions are incomplete without some Sardarji's jokes...so here I go....
Santa Singh and Banta Singh land in the US. And make friends with a guy named Peter. They hang round together, go to bars together, movies together, so on and so forth...One fine day, Peter vanishes.
Santa and Ban to go to the Police Station to lodge a complaint. Cop asks "Did this Peter guy have any distinguishing marks??".
Santa and Banta think for a while and suddenly remember "Yes! Yes!! Peter has two assholes".
The cop is suspicious "How do you know??".
Santa and Banta reply "whenever we go to the bar together, people say...Here comes peter with two assholes!!"
Jokes continues....
Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?" Sure. Give me a green one, please."
Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" Just a sec," says the rep. Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.
EMPLOYMENT.. Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column "Salary Expected": He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes
CROCODILE BOOTS.. Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims 71st and *again* barefeet!"
A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask." The sardar then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold." The sardar says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?" He said, "It's a thermos flask." The boss then says, "What does it do?" He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"
What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!
Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed." All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"
Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied. "Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed.
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence? Stick a tire pressure gauge in his earWhat do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.
Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes? The back of his head.
What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
What do you call a sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh.
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it
Why can't Sardar dial 911? They can not find the eleven on the phone
How do you get Sardar on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.
Oh, look at the dead bird." Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them.
Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
TO LOSE WEIGHT.. The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. What's the problem?"asked the doctor. I'm 2400 kms from home."
TRAIN TO LUDHIANA.. Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?" "No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
A sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "
Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun"
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife "What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?" The sardarji replied " I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at That time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate "Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese." "How come, you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?" " Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."
Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space The ground control issues commands "Rubi!" "Woof!" ( it’s the barking sound) Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!" "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!" Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Arre Banta Singh ! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ? Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.*"
Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, " I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" The scoundrel called back."
A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss. Do u know what the business was? . . . .. . . . . .. . . He opened a Saloon in Punjab!
A sardarji photographer is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all dead persons relatives beat him. why? He said "SMILE PLEASE"
Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardarji: "I've been promoted as branch manager."
Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth................. Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light"
One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know Why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's already raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"
Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet Sardar: - Why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....
A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce. Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children? Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR
Sardar's wish: when i die, i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all d passengers in d bus he was driving..
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- We must find & stop her!.
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words. It is 'U R STANDNG ON the OXGN TUBE!"
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing. He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess what...---To avoid side effect!!!
Man: Sardarji where were u born? Sardarji: Punjab. Man: Which part? Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".
IN COURT during a case: Lawyer to Sardar: Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke ..... Sardar: yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab kehte ho gita pe haath rakho.....
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I don't know how she got my no, She interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found Mrs Sardar painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results put on two coats"
A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). The first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258.
Q:) How do u recognize a sardar in school or college???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!
Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale? A:) Because he wanted to measure how much he has slept........
Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto, Banta asks: Y r u removing a wheel from ur auto?
Santa: Can't u read 'Parking for two wheelers only'
Santa: Doctor, ye phulon ki mala kis ke liye? Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi to tumhare liye.
Santa: Doc saab, mein Chashma laga ke pad to sakoonga?
Doc: Haan, bilkul.
Santa: To phir theek hai doc saab varna Anpad aadmi ki zindagi bhi koi zindagi hai.
Santa: Raat film main ek chudail kabhi mere aage, khabhi mere peechhe ghoom rahi thi...
Jeeto: Koun si film thi ?
Santa: Apni shaadi ki movie thi !
Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from
NASA to SATYANASA
Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?
Santa: Suicide karne ke liye
Banta: To phir ubalne kui kya zaroorat hai?
Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye
Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna enjoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Jeeto: Why 3?
Santa: For you and your parents
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
Santa asks: Who r u?
Wife: How dare u forget ur wife?
Santa: Nasha har gam ko bhula deta hai
Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade ho kar auraton ko kyon ghoorte ho?
Santa: Ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay 9am-11am
A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got
irritated... drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
Captain of Military: Naujawanon aage bado Santa aage nahin bada
Captain: Tum aage kyun nahin bade?
Santa: Apne kaha 9 jawanon aage bado, mein 10ve number pe tha
Banta: Yaar teri wife ki maut ka bara afsos hua, vaise hua kya tha?
Sant: Goli lagi thi mathe main.
Banta: Waheguru ji ka shukar kar ke aankh bach gayi.
Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!
Sadhu: Bachcha teri biwi ko chuddail chipak gayee hai. Upaaye karvaao.
Banta: Upayaye? Baba, agar do behenein gale mil rahi hain to is mein harz hi kya hai ?
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child
Napoleon: There is no such word as 'Impossible' in my dictionary.
Santa: To dictionary dekh kar kharidni thi ...!
Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga.
Jeeto: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey?
Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai
Banta: Yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai?
Santa: Oye tujhe yeh bhi nahin pata, Jab auto mein koi ganji ladki ja rahi ho to use kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI
Banta: Oye, tu to Doctor ke paas jaane waala tha, kya hua?
Santa: Yaar kal jaaonga, aaj thodi tabiyat kharab hai.
Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.
Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u? Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya
Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?
Two sardar's Planting Trees A passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. 'Tell me,' said the passerby, `What on earth are you doing?' `Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig the hole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. Today Balwant is off,because he is ill, but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off!
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A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word
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Sardarjee : "I want to marry you" Lady : "But I am one year elder to you."
Sardarjee: "No Problem, then I will marry you next year."
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Q:) Why does sardarji brings binoculorses in his own marriage?
A:) To see his distant relatives.
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Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. You can't eat your own sandwiches in here,complained the pub-owner. So the two sardars swapped (exchanged) their sandwiches.
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Once upon a time, a Sardarji saw a boy who wore his cap in the back direction. This event really harrased the social nature of sardarji and then he also decided to wear his pagari in the backward direction While he was on his way to his office another Sardar saw him and asked "Sardarji aa rahe ho ke jaa rahe ho"
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A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels, but he always started reading from the middle. A friend of his asked why he did so? "It'z doubly interesting", said the Sardar. "TO start from the middle keeps one curious not only about it's conclusion but also about its beginning."
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Once a Sardarji was going to his office. On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt. Next day, on his way to the office, he noticed a banana peel and exclaimed " sala aaj bhi phisalna hoga". Later after two days, he noticed two banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala, aaj to choice hai"!!!!!!
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"Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...." Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God.. Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship.Italian : How far is land, from here ?
Sardarji : Two miles .. Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.
The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ? Sardarji : Downwards ...
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A (SARDAR) is in a QuizContest trying to win prize money of Rs.1 crore....kaunbanega crorepati...
The questions are as follows:
*1) How long was the 100 yr war?** *A) 116B) 99C) 100D) 150says "I will skip this"
*2) In which country are the Panama hats ** * *made?** *A) BRAZILB) CHILEC) PANAMAD) EQUADOR asks for help from the University students
*3) In which month do the Russians** **celebrate the October Revolution?** *A) JANUARYB) SEPTEMBERC) OCTOBERD) NOVEMBER asks for help from general public
*4) Which of these was King George VI first name?** *A) EDERB) ALBERTC) GEORGED) MANOEL asks for lucky cards
*5) The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based** **onwhich animal:*A) CANARYBIRD B) KANGAROO C) PUPPY D) RAT gives up.
If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at our Sardar's replies,Then please *check the answers* below:1) The 100 year war lasted *116 years* from 1337-14532) The Panama hat is made in *Equador** *3) The October revolution is celebrated in *November** *4) King George's first name was *Albert*. In 1936 he changed his name.5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of the*puppies.*Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever laugh at a again Don't forget that the Prime Minister of ur country is a ..
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Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"
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How do you recognize a Sardar in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
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Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so? He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
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Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar , where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?"
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?"
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Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy?
Saradji: They were 4 best friends..!
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Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag
Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
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How can a Sardar Kill a Lion? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.
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Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!
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Sardar with a new mobile called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My MobileNo. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"
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Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, " I LOVE U SISTER."
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What is Common between: Krishna , Ram, Gandhi ji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.
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Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its Skin...!!!
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Sardar Son: O God! Please make New York the capital of Punjab .
Sardar: Why are you praying for that?
Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam.
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