The Speed

A woman was driving down the highway about 80 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.

Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles.

The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room.

Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

The Dead Cat

A couple trying to break into society, hosted a dinner party.

As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.

The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.

"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."

Two Statues

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the giggling of statues, rustling of bushes and snapping of twigs.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure.

But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"

The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces. "Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.