The Speed

A woman was driving down the highway about 80 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.

Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles.

The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room.

Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

The Dead Cat

A couple trying to break into society, hosted a dinner party.

As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.

The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.

"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."

Two Statues

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the giggling of statues, rustling of bushes and snapping of twigs.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure.

But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"

The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces. "Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.

"The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Some Cool Jokes

Police arrested a drunkard and asked: Where are you going?

Man: I'm going to listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.

Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight ?

Man: My wife...

***

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.

After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

***

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr : Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr : No, but the thought of long life will never come.

***

What's the biggest pressure for Pak captain when Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 ovrs, with 5 wickets in hand?

Ya Allah! How to speak English in presentation ceremony?

***

Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

***

Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?

If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.

***

So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure!

***

Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles?

He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.

***

Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.

2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons

***

Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?

Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

***

Two Priests

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop-dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father", "Good morning Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning Father", "Good morning Father", and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh Father, don't you recognize me?

Take a good look, now close your eyes, add a hat and gown. I'm sister Angela!"

Three-Kick Rule !

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence from where the lawyer shot.

As the lawyer started to climb over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him just what the heck he thought he was doin'.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "You just hold on a dadburn minute. This is my property, and thar's no way yur comin' over that thar fence."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things down here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Texas Three-Kick' rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Texas Three-Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, 'till someone gives."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and ambled up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shins, causing him to hop on one foot. His second kick knocked the man right off his feet. With the lawyer flat on his back the farmer's third kick caused him to see stars.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said,

"No way, mister, I give up. You can have the duck!"

Letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian book store and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"

What an exuberant cheer leader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my windowand started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a"sunny beach"...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma

MEN !

MEN ARE ALL THE SAME.....

THEY HAVEN'T CHANGED

SINCE THE STONE AGE !

The Blonde Moments !

Q: How does a blond kill a fish? A: She drowns it!
Q: How does a blond kill a bird? A: She throws it off a cliff!
Q: How does a blonde lose five pounds? A: She takes off her make-up.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: Why does a blonde drive a BMW? A: Cuz she can spell it...
Q: How Do You Confuse A Dumd Blond? A: Put Her In A Room Shaped Like A Circle And Say Go Sit In The Corner..
Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins
Q: How is a blonde like a a bottle? A: They're both empty from neck up
Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They are born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard too peel.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find the M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspsense? A: I'll post this answer tomorrow.
Q: Why do blonde wear shoulder pads? A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he preforms brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier....."
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue? A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: How does the blonde car pool work? A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
Q: How do you know that a fax came from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back!
Q. What does a U.F.O and an intellegent blonde have in common? A. You always hear about them... but you never see them!
Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? A: She was trying to make up her mind!
Q. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? A. Who knows? It has never been done!
Q: Why did blonde throw a puppy on a bun & in the microwave? A: She wanted a hotdog.
Q: What did the blonde do when she broke her tuperware? A: Called the plastic surgeon.
Q: What is 500 ft. long and has an IQ of 40? A: A blonde parade!
Q: Why did the blonde smile everytime there was a flash of lightning? A: She though someone was taking her picture.
Q: What's the advantage of marrying a blonde? A: You get to park in the handicapped zone.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up.
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing? A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.
Q: How do you steal the window seat of a blonde going to Paris? A: Tell her the seats that are going to Paris are all in the middle row.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: RUN LIKE HECK...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A: A foursome.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did they stop doing the "Wave" at BYU? A: The blonde were drowning.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks her keys in the car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds? A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a wreck? A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see "20,000 Leagues under the sea? A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with her eyes closed? A: She wanted to see what she looked like sleeping.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: She couldn't figure out which one to write first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: A widow.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to hand her the blow dryer.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves" A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want to fax her resume? A: It was her only copy.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why does NASA hire blondes? A: They are doing research on black holes and empty space.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box space? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they are on the bus they can tell if they are coming home or going to work.
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes? A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why do all blondes have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: (Finger on chin) "Duh, I don't know" (hits forehead) "Oh, I get it!"
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (Goods and Service Tax in Canada) A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The over doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: Why don't blondes eat jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: What's a lightbulb. A2: One. She holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaaaddy!"
Q: Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: The dumb blonde, because there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground off? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: There have been reported sightings of Bigfoot.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear? A: "Thanks for the refill."
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? A: An air mattress.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW? A: Divorcee
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor.
Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound and she weighed 125 lbs.
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They get lost.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What is the difference between elvis and smart blondes? A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart? A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager
Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? A: Ariticial intelligence.
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, What?
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.

Ohh....you are sick and tired of Blonde Jokes ? Now Read on .......

Giving away a horse

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.

To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

The Hell

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group.

Now, first question.

"How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter.



"You forty-nine can go down to Hell.

Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"

The Hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...................

"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed."

Sweet Justice !

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girl friend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?Sweet Justice!!!!!!!